What Your Holiday Fights are Really About: A Relational Self-Awareness Guide for Couples

The holidays have a way of turning up the volume on everything:

• Family expectations
• Money stress
• Old wounds
• Different ideas about what “a good Christmas” should look like

So if you and your partner love each other but find yourselves snapping, shutting down, or drifting apart every November–January, it doesn’t mean the relationship is broken. It means the season is pulling on some very old threads.

One of my favorite lenses for this is relational self-awareness, a concept developed by psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Alexandra Solomon. At its core, relational self-awareness is the ability to deeply understand yourself in the context of your intimate relationships—to get curious about what you’re feeling and why, instead of just blaming your partner or drowning in shame.

The holidays are a perfect “classroom” for this kind of work.

Step 1: Notice the Moment… and Turn Inward First

When holiday stress hits, it’s so easy to point the finger outward:

• “You never help with your family.”
• “You’re overreacting; it’s just one more event.”
• “You always spend too much this time of year.”

Relational self-awareness asks a different first question:

“What is this moment with my partner stirring up in me—and why?”

Instead of staying at “you’re doing it wrong,” you look at:

• What belief is getting activated?
• What old story is being replayed?
• What tender spot from your past is getting poked?

You can still set boundaries. You can still ask for change. But you’re doing it from a place of self-ownership, not pure reactivity.

Step 2: Explore Your “Holiday Story”

Every one of us brings a holiday story into our adult relationships. It’s built from:

• How your family did (or didn’t do) holidays
• The role you played as a kid
• The feelings that came up around those events—joy, guilt, pressure, loneliness, performance

Take a pause and ask yourself:

• “Growing up, what did the holidays feel like in my body?”
• “What was I trying to earn—approval, peace, safety, belonging?”
• “What did I learn about what a ‘good’ son/daughter/partner does this time of year?”

Relational self-awareness is about connecting those dots: How does that old story shape what I expect from my partner now?

You might realize:

• You get panicky when plans are unstructured because chaos used to mean conflict.
• You crave big, picture-perfect gatherings because that’s when your parents were nicest.
• You resent every extra event because you were the kid who had to hold everything together.

None of that makes you bad or “too much.” It just means your nervous system is trying to protect you the way it learned to.

Step 3: The Role You Played in Your Family… Is Here for the Holidays Too

Solomon often talks about family-of-origin roles—the “job” you were cast in as a kid, like the Perfect One, the Easy One, the Peacemaker, the Rebel, etc.

Holidays are prime time for these roles to resurface.

• The Perfect One feels responsible for making everything beautiful, peaceful, and meaningful for everyone. Any hint of disappointment feels like failure.
• The Easy One goes along with every plan, says “it’s fine,” and quietly burns out because their needs never make the list.
• The Peacemaker tries to keep everyone happy and diffuse tension, then collapses later from emotional exhaustion.

Ask yourself:

• “What role did I play in my original family around the holidays?”
• “How does that role show up now with my partner? With in-laws?”
• “Where am I still playing an old role that doesn’t fit my adult life or our current relationship?”

Relational self-awareness doesn’t shame you for those roles. It says:

“Of course you did that. It kept you safe.
Now, as an adult, what do you want to choose instead?”

Step 4: Your “Money and Gifts” Story

One of Solomon’s big holiday themes is how couples get tangled around money and gifting—because you’re not just spending cash, you’re spending meaning.

Your partner’s choices might hit you like:

• “You’re careless and putting us at risk.”
• “You’re stingy and don’t care about making this special.”

Underneath that reaction is usually a story you learned long before you met each other:

• “We show love by going big, even if it’s tight.”
• “We stay safe by keeping it modest and never wasting money.”
• “Good parents/spouses create magic, no matter the cost.”

Instead of arguing at the level of “too much” vs “not enough,” try a relational self-awareness approach:

Each of you gets curious about your own history:

• “What did I absorb about holiday spending growing up?”
• “What feelings (fear, shame, pride, excitement) come up when I think about gifts?”

Then you share with each other from that place, not from accusation:

• “When I see the cart fill up, I feel scared we’re going to end up back in that ‘barely getting by’ place from my childhood.”
• “When we don’t spend on gifts, I feel like those special moments I loved as a kid are disappearing.”

From there, you co-create a plan:

• A total holiday budget you both agree on
• Clear buckets (kids, extended family, each other, experiences)
• One “splurge” area for each of you, within reason

You’re not just solving a math problem; you’re honoring two different love-and-money stories and writing a new one together.

Step 5: Holiday Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Ask Anything of Your Partner

Pick one conflict or tender spot—gifts, in-laws, how you spend the day—and ask yourself:

1. “What am I feeling right now?”
   Go more specific than “mad”: is it scared, lonely, invisible, trapped, not good enough?
2. “Where have I felt this before?”
   Does this feeling remind you of being a kid at the table, alone in your room, stuck between divorced parents, etc.?
3. “What role am I slipping back into?”
   Perfect One? Easy One? Peacemaker? Rebel?
4. “What do I actually need right now?”
   Reassurance? Collaboration? A clear plan? Time alone? For your partner to handle their own family instead of you running point?
5. “How can I share that need from a place of ownership instead of blame?”
   • Blame: “You never back me up with your mom.”
   • Ownership: “When I feel like I’m the only one saying no to your mom’s requests, I get overwhelmed and alone. Can we talk about a plan so we’re more on the same team?”

Relational self-awareness doesn’t mean you stop being hurt or upset. It means you bring your insight into the conversation, not just your frustration.

Step 6: A Couple’s Holiday Ritual To Try

If you want one structured experiment, try this once-a-week check-in during the holidays (20–30 minutes):

1. Set the scene.
   Phones away, maybe a drink or snack, somewhere semi-private.
2. Each partner answers three questions:
   • “One thing that felt good for me this week in our relationship was…”
   • “One moment I felt activated or tender was…”
   • “One thing I learned about myself in that moment was…”
3. Then answer together:
   • “Knowing this, is there one small adjustment we want to make for the coming week?”

This keeps you out of all-or-nothing thinking and anchors you in curiosity, not criticism.ry This Season

When It’s Time to Bring a Therapist In

Sometimes you try these conversations and still feel stuck:

• You can’t get past old hurts.
• One or both of you shuts down quickly.
• Every holiday turns into the same argument on repeat.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Yep, this is us and we don’t want to do another holiday on autopilot,” you don’t have to. If you’re looking for couples counseling in Denton or anywhere in Texas, you can reach out to schedule a 90-minute couples session or a longer intensive. We’ll use this season as a starting point—not to fix you because you’re broken, but to help you move through holiday stress, break old relationship patterns, and write the next chapter of your marriage on purpose.